She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
