Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
