if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
