Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
