"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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