There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
