I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
