I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
