what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
