Swine flu is the new snow day.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
