I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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