I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I am naked and annoyed.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
