...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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