she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
