I wish my penis had an off switch
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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