Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I have aggressive nipples.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
