I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
