Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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