Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
