I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
