Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
