Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
