remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
