Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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