I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
