That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He passed out mid-signature
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
