4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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