Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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