im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
