Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
