Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
