Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
