I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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