I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
