Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
