She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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