so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
