i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
