Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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