the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
