u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
