she woke up with a sticky ear
one might say we're banned from that church
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
