i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
