I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
