i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
