How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
