I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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