Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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