rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
