god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
