if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
